Difficult emotions, real people

“Hello!”
“Great!”
“Yes, yes, yes!”
But, even as I’m smiling, nodding and speaking positively, there’s a struggle within me. Something I don’t like is bubbling up.

Oh, it’s anxiety. What now?

We come into this world needing love and support, and our family and community provide a measure of this – enough, we hope, to see us to adulthood. As we grow, we try out different behaviours, only some of which are endorsed by others. There is both positive and negative reinforcement, such as the giving or withholding of love.

Who do we become from this conditioning? Who do we become, after 20, 30, 50, 60 years of sharing our lives with people who, like us, have opinions of who we should be? What is it that allows us to discard the hand-me-downs, and build a genuine, authentic life?

As we grow up, we’re gaining skills and fostering attributes based on a vision of what is good. Much of our training may be unchosen, such as learning to read as a child; still, there is always an underlying if unstated assumption of why the training is important: what the training will offer; what doors it will open.

It’s possible to go very far into something on the basis of a received understanding of the value of that skill to our life. Acquired skills which are imbued with validity by our community, will likely be viewed as personally significant. The mind will associate the ability to perform the task with a sense of self-worth.
 
Because of our conditioning, how and what we do is a major part of how we value ourselves. If we lose our job, we may feel useless. If we lose our relationship, we may feel unloveable. If we can’t do or get whatever it is we’ve set up as “what makes my life count”, we will face a barrage of self-judgements. Our vision of life and its actuality are at odds, and that can lead to confusion and stress.

Sometimes this disjuncture also leads us to question our vision. If we undergo a disillusionment with the script we having been working off, we may grasp for a new version into which all our energy can be thrown.

But whose vision is this? What’s its basis? Does it interest us to give consideration to the origins of our life’s meaning?

My experience is that, through deepening my awareness of the present moment, I touch a foundation that is fulfilling, healing and true. Nothing else compares to it, and actually, there is nothing else that I can be aware of: the present moment is the only time that I have.

And when I get in touch with the present moment through the five senses, my relationship with the world and its scripts shifts. I move from a state of craving connection, to one of being the connection. For some, this in itself may be the purpose of their life; for others, the clarity of the present moment will bring into focus what needs to happen next. It may simply be watering the garden, or making a meal. One step at a time is fine.

Whatever it is that we take as our life’s work, when we come home to the present moment, the scripts and stories that we usually run off are seen in the light of a fuller experience. Thoughts are useful and important, but we also need the nourishment of letting the mind be. Then we can really appreciate, for instance, watching a starling build its nest, or feeling the rise and fall of our abdomen as we breathe. Nature is healing, and that same naturalness is us, too. It comes into its own when we open our senses to what is happening. No manipulation is necessary.

I began this blog post with being nice, being pleasant, being agreeable – but feeling anxious. So what’s the connection between that, and the practice of the present moment?

When we’re present, we face the actuality of our emotions. These may not be “agreeable” feelings, from the point of view of our minds. And if we judge them to be disagreeable, what next? Is it possible to just let them be, without making a demand, or needing to manipulate? Is it possible that, if we allow our emotions to be themselves (without harmfully acting them out), they may run their course? Is it possible that the most unbearable part of anger, fear, embarrassment etc is not the feeling itself, but the aggression and compression of avoiding it, or the regret of acting it out?

For myself, I believe that it is extremely important to practice non-violent action. I don’t want to hurt anyone with my anger, including myself. I don’t want to poison my experiences with blind obedience to anxiety or greed. But if I’m to develop a healthy relationship with these emotions, I need to be willing to get to know them very, very well. My feelings can be medicine, rather than poison, if I develop the awareness to know them intimately.

And taking difficult emotions from this point of view – that they need to be known – it’s clear that the arising of anger, embarrassment, greed, anxiety etc, is an opportunity. The more aware we are of our feelings, the more conscious and supportive our actions will be.

And when I do know the difficult feelings intimately, then I can occupy my whole body. That is way more powerful, way more satisfying, way more compelling, than putting on a show of the emotion which has been taught to me as “right”. When I’m in touch with what’s happening within, only then can I really meet you, and see you clearly. And in that moment, you can meet the real me, too.

As I mentioned, it comes down to developing the aspiration and doing the work. There are different models for this. Reiki offers one path of discovery.